


Dobby and the Great Fish Fry

by Mossbraker



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:42:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29404266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mossbraker/pseuds/Mossbraker
Summary: Sequel to Harry Potter and the Great Fish Fry. Dobby needs a job and works at a fish fry. He finds love, and friendship, all while winning reality television shows, and defeating Elon Musk.
Relationships: Dobby/Elizabeth Olsen





	1. Chapter 1

Dobby was sitting in a box by the river reflecting on his life and pretending that he was a character in a Mark Twain book. Dobby was a free elf, but he had a hard time finding a job. After Harry Potter saved him from living as a slave to the Malfoy family, Dobby went around to find new work. He tried to work for other wizarding families, but couldn't find a single family who needed a house elf. He tried some wizarding stores, but none of them thought that the house elf would be able to perform the skilled labor required of anyone working for them. He couldn’t lift 50 pounds or type 50 words per minute, and had never touched a suite office. Additionally, it didn't help that he was asking for wages. His asking rate? One dollar an hour! That way, he could buy sweaters, machine guns, and Japanese stationery -- all the things necessary for the fine life. 

The same scene played out everywhere he went: 

“My name is Dobby, and I’m a great house elf looking for new work, so I can get sweaters, machine guns, and Japanese stationery!” 

“Oh, I’d love a new house elf!” 

“Good, my rate is one dollar an hour.” 

“No, I refuse to pay you,” they would inevitably say.

Dobby found himself trying to find Muggle work. As he walked around the town, many people asked him why he was so short and ugly. He did not have an answer. If he was just a short person, then why would he have an explanation? Would Elijah Wood say that he was short on purpose, so as to be a better hobbit? Dobby thought he might, but Elijah Woods was a very smart human being, and Dobby was a house elf. They had different education levels. 

“Why are you so small and gross?” the woman at the Seven-Eleven asked Dobby. Dobby did not like admitting that he did not know. So he had begun telling people that he had the Benjamin Button disease -- he had lived his life already, he just looked like a baby. Most people seemed to believe that. This woman just told Dobby to leave and not steal any gas. 

At every restaurant and retail store Dobby walked into, he jumped on the counter and asked for a job. He always got pieces of paper in return. Sometimes they also gave him a pencil. Never once did he receive a pen. Dobby didn’t know what the difference between the two was, and didn’t dare ask. Dobby didn’t know how to read or write, so he just stuffed the papers down his trousers and went on to the next place. The town had everything: Dunkin Donuts, A & W, and a Jamba Juice. Dobby had already been to each place and had gotten papers from all of them. 

He sighed and kept walking. On the street, Dobby saw a few flyers for a new reality television show. He called the number on the flyer, but when he told them he was homeless, short, and had big ears, they hung up. This frustrated Dobby greatly, as there were only two things that he loved more than reality television. 

He finally got to the edge of town, and that’s when he saw it: a small building with a single table out front. The shining neon words blinded Dobby at first, but then he cleared his eyes and saw a glowing, neon pink fish shape. He walked directly towards the fish shape and into the small building. As soon as he opened the door, he saw about 50 fishes on the wall. As he walked past the wall of fish, they began to move and sing a song. Dobby smelled a terrible rotting fish scent. It was absolutely overwhelming and he could barely breathe. 

He walked up to the counter, hoisted himself up, and tried to get someone’s attention. 

“Hello? Dobby is wanting a job,” Dobby called. He tried to wave his hands, but no one seemed to notice him. “HELLO?” 

Dobby began typing on the cash register. Still, no one did anything. The cash register opened, and Dobby poked at some of the coins inside. Dobby had never felt money before. It felt cold on his fingers, but he craved more. No one noticed him fingering the change. Dobby felt small, like Danny DeVito, but even smaller than that, because Dobby was only 3 feet tall. 

“We got another rat,” a man said, and pointed a gun at Dobby’s face. “I’ll take care of it, boss.” 

“No, no, no! Please sir, Dobby is just looking for a job, you see. Dobby is not a rat.” Dobby began to beat himself with the cash register. His ears started bleeding. Blood was running onto the coins he had been fingering. 

“Whoa, this rat is killing itself,” Arnold said, lowering the gun, and all the other employees in the store looked at Dobby. None of them pulled out their guns. But their hands were all laying on top of their pockets, ready to pull the gun when Dobby made a move. 

“Arnold, that’s no rat -- that’s a man going through Benjamin Button disease!” said a big, barrel-chested man who happened to look a lot like Ronald Weasley. He was obviously a big David Fincher fan. That was the only way a person in this part of town would have heard of the early David Fincher work, “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.” 

“I am a tiny man, and I’m looking for a job. I can do anything. I can disappear and reappear, I can beat myself with various objects, and I can even do the dishes if you so please.” Dobby stuck his chest out proudly. His nipples were erect. He was wearing a newly knitted sweater that accentuated them, and that made him feel quite handsome. 

“Well, we do need a new dishwasher, ever since the Dursleys’ boy ain’t been showing up for work. What do you say to being the Fish Fry’s newest dishwasher? It pays 3 dollars an hour and the only raise you’ll be getting is a stool to ensure that you can reach the sinks,” the man who looked like Ronald Weasley said. 

“Dobby is much pleased, sir. Thank you, sir!” Dobby cried. The man then handed Dobby a large stack of papers and told Dobby to complete them and come back tomorrow for his first shift.

Dobby left the building and began to walk towards his home. He walked past the street that Harry Potter’s muggle overlooker friends lived in. Dobby wanted to be close to Harry Potter, even though he couldn’t talk to him. He didn’t want Harry to know what he’d become. 

Dobby had nothing. Nothing. He’d spent two years looking for a job. He lived in a small cardboard box next to the levee and stole food from Whole Foods dumpsters. It was a difficult life, and Dobby often wondered if he should just find a wizarding family who wouldn’t pay him, but he would have to be a house elf for that. Then Dobby remembered how he’d read Karl Marx’s Capital once. That was enough to keep him searching for a job. And finally, he’d found one. But now, faced with the paperwork of a human job, he was scared. 

House elves were never taught how to read or write. Dobby remembered how once, a house elf from the Lestrange family had learned how to read, but had gotten caught by Rabasatan Lestrange. The house elf had been reading Treasure Planet'. After he got caught, he was separated from all the other house elves. He was forced to do all the laundry for the house alone. For extra torture, Rabastan made Dobby the subject of his ongoing experiments with the shadow realm. 

Dobby was very afraid of the Shadow Realm and all things Yu-Gi-Oh related, including Seto Kaiba and playing cards. Dobby would never have dared to pick up a book, or a pamphlet or any other literature. But he did have audiobooks, which was how he read Karl Marx’s Capital. 

Dobby was walking by the levee that he lived in when he bumped into a toad-shaped woman. She was wearing all pink and looked like Vera Drake from Mike Leigh’s Vera Drake. Dobby’s first instinct was to projectile vomit at the sight of her, but he was determined to be polite. So instead he just shat his pants. 

“Oh goodness!” The woman was taken aback by the terrible smell. “Get away from me, you awful short homeless man!” 

The woman began attacking Dobby with her bag, swinging the bag left and right. Dobby was thrown to the ground, where he noticed a shiny green locket had fallen out of the women’s bag. 

“Miss! No, wait!” he cried. But she had run off into the nearest alley and Apparated away. Dobby clutched the locket in his hand and walked inside the box he called home. Dobby sighed, put the locket in his pocket, and decided to get some sleep before his big day at the Fish Fry tomorrow.


	2. Chapter Two: Hermione and Dobby find the secrets to the universe

Chapter Two: Hermione and Dobby find the secrets to the universe

Dobby woke up early that day. There was a bird that had gotten into his box and was pecking on his left ear. There was a lot of earwax in that one.Most likely, the bird was just hungry and searching for some wax-like food, but there were no wax lips around. We’ve all been there. This bird had been there every day that week. In fact, the only week this bird hadn’t been there was the week during Halloween, when wax lips can be found almost everywhere. The bird preferred to be in the gutters though.

Dobby woke up when the bird stopped pecking his ears and began pecking his left eyes, which were also waxy. “Dobby does not appreciate this! Please, Mr. Bird, take your anger to another place,” he pleaded. The bird did not stop his pecking, because it was a bird who did not understand English in any capacity. Dobby’s eyeball was becoming sticky. The goo had taken shape over the bird’s beak. Dobby got some of his papers that he had been given yesterday and threw them at the bird. It hopped outside Dobby’s box and flew away. Dobby noticed that the bird had a “don’t tread on me button” pinned to his shorts. Of course he hated paperwork. He was a Libertarian. 

Dobby got up and washed his eyes out with the river water. He stared into the river. It was clear. Dobby saw several fish swimming around the bottom of the pond. He stared at them and knew that he’d spend the rest of his life cleaning their scales off of frying catch baskets. That was what he wanted. 

Dobby went back to his box and brushed the bird poop off of the employment document that his new manager had given him. He couldn't read or write, so he needed to find someone to help him fill the papers out. He decided to apparate to Hogwarts and talk to Harry Potter’s busybody friend, Hermione. 

He landed in the kitchens. The other house elves shied away from him. Many hid their faces with their hands. One particularly uptight elf sneered when he walked by. Dobby was used to this. Other house elves were fine with their labor being exploited, but Dobby wasn’t. “I am a proud House Elf,” he said with the most bass his voice could muster. He thought he sounded just like Samuel L. Jackson, or Candyman from the original Candyman movie. 

“We just wish you could afford soap,” a house elf mumbled, out of earshot. Dobby wanted to sound like Samuel L. Jackson, but he did not want to make the same diction choices as Samuel L. Jackson, so he said nothing to this motherfucking house elf in this motherfucking Hogwarts kitchen. 

Dobby wandered around the school for a few hours, trying to find Hermione. He looked everywhere, including the kitchen, the Defense against the Dark Arts classroom, and Dumbledore’s office. She wasn’t anywhere to be found. Dobby looked on the Quidditch pitch too, and then at the bottom of the river. Dobby figured he would wait in the Gryffindor common room. He sat on a big comfortable chair and watched a few 7th years make out. He wondered if he’d ever be able to make out with someone he loved while a human wizard watched him. He put it on his bucket list. There were several things on the list already, including seeing the world’s biggest rubber band ball and watching the movie Bucket List. 

“Dobby!” Dobby’s head snapped up to see Hermione staring down at him. “What are you doing?”

“Hello, Dobby is just adding to his bucket list. Dobby would like to make love with someone one day. Do you think it will happen?” Hermione looked down. Since Dobby couldn’t write, all of his items were crude drawings. 

“Wow. Of course you’ll find love one day, Dobby,” Hermione said, trying to reassure Dobby, but the look on his face showed her that Dobby deeply believed he would never find love. This made Hermione sad, and she wanted to set up a house elf speed dating service. 

“Thank you, Harry Potter’s lady friend,” Dobby replied. 

“My name is Hermione,” Harry Potter’s lady friend said. 

“Thank you for telling me that, Harry Potter’s lady friend. Dobby was actually hoping to ask your help with something.” Dobby looked at Harry Potter’s lady friend. 

“Do you want me to knit you another hat?” Harry Potter’s lady friend asked. She had spent a lot of money on her knitting supplies and wanted to put them to good use. But Dobby recoiled in horror at the mention of Harry Potter’s lady friend's hat. It was truly horrible. Dobby had once snuck into a showing of The Devil Wears Prada (he was a big Anne Hathway fan), and so he knew a lot about fashion. He knew that wearing one of Hermione’s hats would be an obstacle to him getting on the cover of Vogue magazine. 

“Thank you, but Dobby loves the one you gave Dobby so dearly. Please knit the other house elves hats first.” Dobby felt smooth. He felt like Anne Hathaway at the end of The Devil Wears Prada. 

“What a wonderful idea, Dobby!” Hermione went to reach for her knitting knives, but Dobby placed a hand on Hermione's wrist.

“Dobby is needing your help though, for something different,” Dobby stated to this helpful woman. 

“Oh Dobby, what could it be? Do you need pants?” Dobby’s dick was just hanging out, but that wasn’t the issue at hand. 

“No, Dobby will not be needing the pants--” Dobby said quickly. He knew what pants made by Hermione would look like. 

“I think you do, Dobby.” Hermione looked over Dobby’s body, and Dobby could feel his blood pressure begin to rise. 

“Dobby is needing you to help Dobby fill out his job papers,” Dobby croaked out. 

“Oh, of course Dobby. I can do that,” Hermione took the papers from Dobby’s hands and whipped out her quill and ink. “These are rather simple questions, Dobby. First: what's your name?”

“Dobby,” Harry Potter’s lady friend said. 

“Last name?” Hermione looked at Dobby. She didn’t know if house elves had last names, and wasn’t willing to let Dobby know of her ignorance. 

“MacBeth,” Dobby said at once. 

“Dobby MacBeth?” Harry Potter’s lady friend asked. 

“Dobby Shawn MacBeth actually,” Dobby said, puffing out his chest. 

“Oh, okay.” And Harry Potter’s lady friend wrote down Dobby’s full name. “Alright, what’s your address?”

“Box,” Dobby said. 

“Box?” Harry Potter’s lady friend said, with great concern in her voice. 

“Box by the River, in central London,” Dobby reiterated. 

Hermione furrowed her brow and wrote that down. When she looked up, she looked like she was about to cry. “Dobby, are you sure you don’t want to work here at Hogwarts? You wouldn’t have to live in a box by the river,” 

“Dobby is proud of Dobby’s box by the river, thank you very much,” he said. That wasn’t exactly true, but Dobby didn’t want to admit it. 

“Dobby, do you have a phone number?” Harry Potter’s lady friend asked. 

“No,” Dobby said, pretending he knew what a phone or numbers were. 

“Okay, what position are you seeking?” Hermione asked Dobby. She had never had a job, so she didn’t know how strange job titles could be-- like Regulatory Compliance and Asset Management Analyst I, or Regulatory Compliance and Asset Management Analyst II, or even CFO. 

“Dish washer,” Dobby responded automatically. Dobby didn’t know that he’d actually been applying for the job Dishwasher-in-Training Analyst I, but it wouldn’t matter, as literacy wasn’t actually a requirement for the job. 

“Dobby, you could be anything at this fish fry! Anything! You could be the CEO, you could be the tax specialist! You could even be the astronaut of this fish fry!”

“Dobby wants to be a humble dish washer.” Dobby would move up in the ranks to become a humble astronaut. “At the local fish fry.” 

“Okay, fine. Just make sure you’re getting the minimum wage.”

“Dobby just wants any wage. 3 cents would be great! Or even one cent, or even just the used sock of the owner-operator!” Dobby said. 

“Dobby, no!” Hermione yelled back at Dobby. Dobby wished that Hermione would champion his rights as a house elf in a nicer way. 

“Dobby, yes.” Hermione went on to fill out the rest of the job application, including coming up with a Social Security number and prior convictions for Dobby. Dobby was very thankful to have a fake Social Security number for the first time. He bet none of the Hogwarts house elves had any numbers on them. 

Dobby eventually left the Gryffindor common room. He wandered around the castle for a bit before deciding to go back to the common room.There, he curled up on Harry Potter’s lady friend’s bed. One day of not sleeping in the box wouldn’t hurt his back, he supposed. And surely, Harry Potter’s lady friend would be thankful to have the comfort of a friend at her feet. She seemed like she needed someone to boss around.


	3. Chapter Three: First day on the fish

Chapter Three: First day on the fish

Dobby was a man of his word. So when he said he’d get to the Fish Fry 3 minutes early, he did. So there he was at 2:57 PM on a Tuesday, waiting to start his new life. He felt like the three kids in the first episode of Pokemon who got up at an appropriate time and beat Ash to get the starter Pokemon. Dobby wouldn’t be left with a Pikachu. 

“Dobby! My man, thanks for coming.” A man with a uniform that made Dobby think he was the manager came over.He pounded his open hand on Dobby’s shoulder. It made Dobby feel welcomed and included, but also in a little bit of physical pain. “I’m Arnold, your manager.” 

“Dobby sir, yes, that’s me. I’m your employee!” Dobby beamed up at the man. The man handed Dobby a white apron, a hat, and a pin that had Dobby’s full name on it. Dobby was a little impressed they were able to get the entire thing on there, but it did take up about a quarter of his apron. Dobby pinned it in the middle of his apron. 

“Well son, have you ever washed dishes before?” his manager asked him. 

“If you call a cauldron a dish, then yes sir!” 

The man laughed. Dobby was confused, as he was only telling the truth.

“You’re even weirder than the Potter boy,” his manager said. 

“Oh, okay,” Dobby said. 

The man then showed Dobby what a dish was and how to wash it. He showed Dobby each of the three sinks. Dobby felt that three sinks was simply too many. Honestly, if Dobby was president of the world, he would make it so that there was only one sink, and the entire world shared it. He figured he would make a schedule so everyone could have their time with the sink. Dobby was getting very distracted by figuring out how he would advance his political agenda of single sinks, so he was a little distracted from his lecture on how to wash dishes. 

“Alright, I’ll leave you to it,” said Arnold. And with that, the manager left Dobby to his tower of dishes. Dobby jumped into the sink and began scrubbing. Some soap got in his large ears, but he didn’t mind. He was happy to be working. And to be having clean ears. 

He was on his fourth dish when the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen walked into the store. Dobby couldn’t tear his eyes off of her. She had bright eyes, dark hair, and a vibe that reminded Dobby of the Avengers movies. Dobby kept staring at her. He dropped his dish. She ordered a deep fried octopus and a Pepsi. 

“Oh, her?” The man working the fish frying station looked at Dobby, noticing him noticing the woman. “She comes in here every day, tries something different every time. Always gets the same drink though, Pepsi, no ice.” 

“She’s…”

“Yeah.”

And with that, the fry cook dropped his spatula in the frying station and openly stared at the woman. His mouth was gaping open. Dobby was tempted to put his finger in the man’s open mouth, but figured he should wait a few weeks before doing something so intimate with another employee. Dobby wanted more than anything to put his finger in the woman’s mouth. But he had self control, so he was not doing that. 

The woman took a bite of her fish, immediately sneezed the bite back out and onto the cash register, drank her entire pepsi in one gulp, and walked away.

“She always does that,” the fry cook remarked.

“Wow,” Dobby replied.

Dobby's first day on the job went exactly as he expected. He learned how to clean dishes and fell in love. Now all Dobby needed was a home. He figured if he wanted to achieve the most in life, he couldn’t keep getting rained on.

After work, he went around to every house in the surrounding neighborhoods. He liked the neighborhood well enough. But he wished that their sewer department had a better mapping service, as he fell into a manhole that lacked a manhole cover. He was lucky that there was a dirty, gross bed at the bottom of the manhole. He eventually found a ladder and had to climb up to get back to the ground level. He kept going around the neighborhood, and eventually found a door. 

He knocked on the door, and when someone answered, he would jump up (he was very short, and the first few people missed him altogether) and yell “I need a cheap room!” Most of the time, people slammed the door in Dobby’s face. His nose had been broken three times already. Dobby was getting addicted to the pain. 

Then, he knocked on a door with a large gnome in the garden. Dobby was a gnome lover and was hoping with all his heart that this would be his new home. 

“Hi! I need a place to live, can you--”

BOOM! The door hit Dobby.


	4. Chapter Four: Gnome you know where to live?

Chapter Four: Gnome you know where to live? 

Dobby woke up in front of a house with a large gnome on its front lawn. Dobby quite liked gnomes, so he figured he’d ask if he could rent a room from this house. He knocked on the door. 

BOOM!

The door flung open and hit Dobby in the face. His nose bled, and he was knocked out.


End file.
